I Love You, (fill in the blank)

Updates from the West Side (These are in someway, shape, or form, reminders to write about in longer form):

I'm growing my hair out. It's in the awkward stage.

I joined an online dating site as a way to get myself out of the house. By no means am I ready for the dating scene in LA. I've met some cool girls. Smoking hot bodies, and cars that are way nicer than the Jetta. No connections. I think I'm over online dating.

I may be over dating in general.

I went to the Kings of Leon concert at the Hollywood Bowl. It was slamming. They sounded great. Venue was dope. Partying was lacking.

I went to get my haircut. The hair stylist sent me home sans haircut when she heard I was growing my hair out. She told me to come back in 6-8 weeks and suffer through it.

Doing it.

I went to the shooting range and shot a gun. I don't need to do it again.

I'm starting a band. I'm going to be the singer. Wowzers. And, I don't care if you like it. I think for the first time ever I have the songs and the confidence to do it.

I produced a singer / songwriter / cellist's demo. He is on the verge of getting signed after an advertisement of his showed up in Rolling Stone. I am no longer recording his demo. He's the man though and I'm proud of the work we did.

I had my first 'all access' privilege recently. Went to see a band I had no idea about with aforementioned cellist, and he knew someone in the band, and we got hooked up. Backstage and all (no cute girls). But the band was mad cool and so humble and down to earth. You realize this can happen to anyone.

I've signed up for an acting class.

I'm in love.

No, I'm not.

But, I do love you.

My dad had a heart attack. I think he was faking just trying to get me to come home. He's going to be fine, but he gave us a big scare.

I'm one blackout away from AA.

I need to go out and meet more cute girls.

My brother came out of the closet. He couldn't find his shoes.

I spent the 4th of July in Malibu and then at a ridiculous clambake on the west side. The clambake was run by a real life chef and the food was off the hook. We never made the party with the models.

Halearious told me I'm not allowed to date models anymore. She also told me I need to date a blonde. I'm not sure I agree with either of the two statements, but I'm down to try it out.

I read "The Four Agreements." It was a good book. I am on my way to freedom. It's all I want to be when I grow up: Free. Lesson two: Love is all around and I'm not afraid to tell you that I love you.

haha!

I have found my muse. It's been enlightening.

I gave up playing music for three days. Then I had an experience that showed me how to never give it up. I went and played my first open mic the following day. I played the first song. Silence. And then a younger kid said, "Wow." Then applause. It was all I needed.

Groundswell is getting there.

I wrote a love song. The first one I've ever written in 14 years of playing guitar. That may or may not be true.

Actually, you could say that about most of the things I said in this post.

This post goes out to the girl in the Prudential center reading this at work.

I play baseball for the Minnesota Twins. My name is Joe.

When a girl says we should be friends, it's should be interpreted as "See ya."

I told my brother I was going to be friends with a girl and he said, "What's the point?"

Wisdom.

Speaking of my brother. If you have a conversation with him on the phone that lasts over 2 minutes, consider yourself lucky.

If you are saying goodbye to my brother after a phone call, and the phone isn't already in his pocket when you hit the "g" in good, then both his hands must be busy doing something else.

It's good to have good friends to get you through the good times. It's great to have good friends to get you through the hard times.

If you get dropped in Latin America there are five sayings you need to know to survive.

1) Hablas ingles?

2) Tienes agua?

3) Necessito comer

4) Me gusta tequila

5) Senorita, es una lastima que no este desnuda

When you master these five sayings you will be free.

Groundswell is free.

Peace,

Groundswell

"Yard-sale Heaven"

It was Sunday, April 18, 2010, and I was about to go on a maiden voyage. The destination? Yard-sale heaven. Once you go there, there is no coming back.

Format: Real-time journal.

8:47am: I awake naturally. I see it’s light out. I reach for my phone. "8:47am." Shit. I was supposed to be at Amanda J’s and Richie’s at 9:00am to help with their yard-sale. Shit. Not happening. Gonna be late.

9:28am: I pull past Amanda J’s and Richie’s. No sign of a yard-sale. I hope they didn’t cancel it.

9:33am: I walk up the stairs and see Richie coming down the stairs holding two chairs. Richie, asks, “What are you doing up so early? I reply, “Helping with the yard-sale. I’m a little late ‘cause I over slept.” Richie, “So did we.”

9:34am: I see Amanda J. “Groundswell,” she greets me with a big smile and a hug.

9:35am: I’m carrying down two chairs to the front lawn. (Task-master heaven?)

9:37am: Amanda J’s telling the early bird arrivals that we’re bringing stuff out. I’m starting to feel like we may be prey.

9:47am: Breaking a sweat. I over hear Amanda J responding, “Yes, we have cologne.” She turns to me, “Groundswell, tell Richie to bring the box down with the cologne.” These guys are making requests?

9:53am: Place a large box down on the ground that Amanda J asked me to get. Before either Richie or Amanda are able to look at it, a guy is going through the box in his desperate search for cologne. He rifles though and throws things he’s not interested on the ground. I don’t have time to stop and think about this. I’m off to get more stuff.

9:55am: Getting tired from hustling back and forth. Richie is now manning the sales. Amanda J and I are lugging stuff to the front yard. We have our first official ringer at the yard sale. He’s looking for mens watches, cell phones, and other electronic items. There’s no way he’s working alone, or here for his own personal use.

10:00am: Amanda J suggests I take a break a break for a minute. I’m not arguing. As I watch the melee, it’s like sharks feeding. They’re all hovering around, searching through boxes, asking questions. It seems chaotic. I feel for Richie and Amanda J as they try and respond. The group consists mostly of low income Spanish-speaking and what I would guess would be Indian immigrants.

10:05am: Amanda J and I are back in the house drinking water. It’s a beautiful day outside. Hustling around in jeans and a hoodie have made me sweaty and tired. It feels good. I’ve always liked doing manual labor. (Shut the fuck up Patrick.)

10:15am: The number of people interested in used cell phones is shocking. They’re the hot item.

10:32am: It becomes evident that anything over $20 will not be purchased readily. People pick up the nice items, hear how much they are, and put them down quickly. Richie, working for a video game company has some nice electronics and video game supplies – even at half off the retail price, people are scared. Surprising.

10:44am: The most touching moment of the day occurs when a women comes back to purchase a bottle of Rogaine for a few dollars. She was embarrassed to buy it so we made sure to hide our laughing. (I’m kidding. We didn’t laugh. Although Amanda J and I later discussed this very event back in her apartment and decide it was the “Most Touching Moment of Yard-sale 2010.” Bar none.)

10:53am: I’m hungry.

11:02am: Like most things, the rushes come in waves. They are making good progress selling their shit. Money is flowing in.

11:11am: Amanda J has just discovered that Richie has given away a picture of hers for free. It was $5. She warns that she might flip-the-fuck-out on Richie. We are a little scared. We laugh it off. She then convinces herself that Richie’s joking. He’s not. I watched him do it.

11:14am: Richie asks, “Amanda, how much for those?” Amanda whispers, “I don’t know. I stole those.”

11:20am: "Richie, I can't believe you gave away my picture. That was my big ticket item." We're not quite out of the woods yet.

11:23am: Amanda goes into the house.

11:25am: Richie’s friend from New Bedford breaks out a blunt.

11:33am: I’m really hungry.

11:45am: Debating how old the girl with the badukka-ass is. Anywhere from 15-20 is thrown out. She comes back with her mom. Twelve is the new answer. Amanda J tells us the pesticides in food are making them grow up faster. For real, for real. (There is no way she was under 16.)

11:50am: I need some water. As I am about to walk onto the sidewalk, I look left. No one coming. I’m good. I continue to walk full speed. Whack! My head slams into a lamp that arches over at the perfect head hitting height. I walk towards the apartment building laughing. Ridiculous.

12:01pm: Lunch is being discussed. Hell yeah. The Vegan Joint is getting hit up. I’m down. Amanda J says she’s going to order me a lentil burger and take care of the rest. I tell her that I have nothing but faith. It’s true.

12:05pm: For the millionth time, one of the lamps they are trying to sell is blown over by the wind. We just leave it down. It's now a floor lamp.

12:12pm: It’s discovered that someone stole Amanda J’s pipe that she was going to sell. Not cool.

12:14pm: Amanda J sells a neckless for $2. She then reveals that it cost $1 at the dollar store. She’s delighted.

12:20pm: After another purchase, Amanda reveals that it was gift from somebody that was sold. Turns out a lot of what they are selling are old gifts.

12:23pm: A flock of green parrots are wreaking havoc on the street. Flying around and being all raucous. It’s pretty entertaining. It must be mating season or something because they are up to no good.

12:27pm: A sweet car pulls up in front of the yard-sale. Richie comments on the rims. We all agree - too nice for the yard sale.

12:28pm: It was the delivery car. Lunch has arrived. It’s slamming. The Vegan Joint is the shit. Amanda ordered just as I would have.

1:01pm: A really young kid walks by with some friends. "How much for the vaporizer?" he asks. I'm impressed. Bird-like eyes. He says he'll be back. (He never came back.)

1:04pm: Richie has broken out the Indian flute. He has no idea how to play it. Doesn’t stop us from having fun.

1:15pm: We’re laughing hysterically at the idea of his flute playing driving a neighbor crazy to the point of the neighbor coming down asking how much the flute is, giving him a $20-bill, saying, “keep the change,” and then breaking it in front of us. We think this could be a good way to make money.

1:17pm: A Lexus pulls up to the yard-sale. Just happened to be driving by and makes an impromptu stop.

1:18pm: Two guys get out. They look around.

1:20pm: As the older of the two is looking around, he asks if we’re selling lemonade. We laugh because we were talking about that not too long ago. He then tells us at his last yard sale he sold water, and must have made $80 off of selling bottled water. "$3.99 for a twenty-four pack," he says. We’re impressed. He then gets back into his car. Shortly, his friend follows.

1:24pm: The window rolls down, and the older man, prompted by someone in the back seat who was too good to get out asks, while laughing “How much for those nasty tables.” Amanda says “Five dollars.” He laughs and rolls up the window and drives off.

1:25pm: Let the shit talking commence. Motherfucker.

1:26pm: Who the fuck sells water at a yard-sale? Why don’t you take your Lexus and get the fuck out of here? We were not pleased.

1:47pm: The packing up has commenced. The yard-sale is over at 2pm.

2:00pm: I’ve got a few goodies for the road. Some funny memories and no sunburn (I was chasing the shade like a vampire). It was an all around great way to start a Sunday. Now home to chill.

"She's Got Legs"

I was at work recently, at a team meeting. There were twenty-five to thirty people there – all of them needed to be there, all of them, except me. I’m a temp worker. I’m enjoying myself. Working with these people is great, they’re all so nice and friendly, but I don’t think this is the position for me. I’ve done stuff like this – 5 years ago – to do it again would be a step back. I moved to California to take steps forward. For the right position, something that would get me my dream job, I would definitely take a step back. Maybe even two. But, not for this job. I was surprised that I was even sent the Outlook invite and listed as required. It’s nice to be included, but in this case I wasn’t sure why.

I showed up for the part. I had a notepad. I had a pen. I had no intention / expectation that I would be using either, but I at least came dressed for the part. It is, after all, Los Angeles.

I took a seat towards the end of the long conference table, next to a new hire, (and new friend). The seat to my right was open, the seat next to that was filled by a supervisor and very nice woman who’s vegan. We started chatting about all things vegan, vegetarian, healthy living, yoga, “Food, Inc,” and other things. Very pleasant conversation. She’s one of the nicest people I work with, and they are ALL super nice.

After a good twenty minutes of chit-chat and settling-in, a beautiful blond takes the seat to my right, and the meeting gets started.

Off to a good start, but as I thought, it has very little to do with me, but it’s fun to be there.

Then, my attention is caught. I’m sitting with my back facing the windows over looking the lot, but I’m looking towards the hallway. My view is through large glass windows, probably ten feet in height, but there is a middle section that is an opaque white color. Above and below the opaque section is a three to four foot section that is see-through glass. The glass runs the entire length of the conference room, which is probably fifty feet long. And it is amazing. Who ever designed this knew exactly what they were doing.

This all hits me as a pair of beautiful female legs saunters the entire length of the conference on display courtesy of a knee-high floral-pattern skirt. These legs are perfect- firm, tanned, long. Judging by the light, airy walk, whoever is walking by seems to be in a good mood, and it’s rubbing off on me. I’m now in a great mood.

And it so happened, it was a beautiful summer-like day in Los Angeles, which meant that dresses and skirts were out like the birds and the bees. For the next hour, I was inundated with a stream of beautiful sets of legs walking by, and it was like art, meets fashion, meets voyeurism. The legs on California females, for the most part, are amazing. Toned, tanned, and long. Accentuated with high heals and a nice flowing skirt, it’s like being in heaven. Faceless, nameless, beautiful legs, and me appreciating every pair, every gate, and every nuance as they walked by on display. I couldn’t have been happier. What a way to start off my day.

(The meeting was great. We are making some real progress hiring people.)

But the second floor of that building is awesome. I need to get myself a job up there, or at the very least, at more conferences in that conference room.

As ZZ Top said, “She’s got legs, and she knows how to use them.”

-Groundswell

"Marketing Madness. Brilliant!"

As I look at my life, and think about how I want to make money, most of the ways include minimal amounts of work, combined with a huge stack of cash: music, acting, writing, etc. But, I’ve often thought that I could do anything, and I’ve noticed a ton of jobs for marketing. So here goes Groundswell’s foray into marketing. I’ve just now come up some new slogans for some well known products.

PeptoBismol
“Everyone’s pink on the inside”

Depends
“When you have to go and just don’t want to move, that’s okay now.”

Toyota
“Accelerate your life.”

Viagra
“More dependable than Mother Nature. That bitch,” or "When nature lets you down, we'll pick you up."

Cialis
“Mother Nature called. She’s jealous of your wood.”

Trojan Condoms
“Only slightly less effect than the Trojan horse.”

Coca-Cola
“We took out the coke, but left the cola.”

Pepsi
“We’re wishing we could put in coke.”

Midol
“You can still be a bitch, but why be in pain?”

Any oil company
“Hey, somebody has to get rich,” or “Don’t worry. We can recycle the environment.”

General Motors
“A second chance to make a shitty impression.”

McDonalds
“99 Billion left feeling like shit.”

In-N-Out
If God made a hamburger, it would taste like this.”

Apple
“Better than you”

Facebook
"When boredom strikes"

Twitter
"Nothing too intelligent, please. We don't have enough room."

The United States Government
“I betcha Britain’s happy now.”

Lindsay Lohan
“Got milk?”

The music band “Jet”
“AC/DC (part deux)”

The Republican Party
“They’re too dumb to know we’re fucking ‘em over!”

The Democratic Party
“We’re not the Republican Party. (That’s it. That’s all we got.)”

Wal-mart
“It’s okay if you're cousins,” or “If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family. And then shop here.”

Tiger Woods
“You can only try to keep your score low for so long.”

Groundswell
“More with less.”

Not bad for twenty minutes. To all you marketing firms, consider this my application for a 40-hour a week job where I”ll probably only work for 10 to 15 hours. I also require a large desk where I can nap underneath it.

Rock on,
Groundswell

Road Trip (Aside #2) - "10 Questions Before Booking"

Scene: Complete darkness, faint water running in the background.
Halearious: What are you doing?
ME: About to shower.
Halearious: What time is it?
ME: 9:15 AM
Halearious: Why isn't it light out?
ME: Our room doesn't have any windows.
Halearious: Oh.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It was time to face the truth. We had a great first night in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. We were staying in a shitty hotel.

After a night in the Pelham Hotel here in New Orleans, I feel that I need to write a guide for booking hotels. It won't concern the obvious things you should ask (price, location, etc). It will deal with the questions that may not be so obvious.

1) Does the room have any natural light coming in through windows?
2) Does the elevator smell like a 3-year old wet towel that never dried?
3) How often do you dust and clean the rooms (if ever)?
4) Does the ice machine work?
5) Does the room where the ice machine is located smell like urine?
6) Do all the light bulbs in the room function?
7) Do you have complimentary conditioner in the bathroom?
8) You do have parking? Do I have to pay extra for it?
9) Does the toilet paper dispenser actually move?
10) Do the people sleeping on the coach in the lobby get a better deal then the people who book a room?

In the end, we were in New Orleans for Mardi Gras to party and see the sights, and not for our hotel room, but we thought we could help out others in the future.